Looking for some Improvement

I have not been here in a while. But am still around. I have been helping my mom out and working a lot of hours. Which leaves me with less time to do my favorite thing..
What is that you may ask,
Well blogging of course what else lol


I was reading some on-line material about using oxygen at home. my mom has been using at home oxygen since she was discharged from the hospitial on October 14th. We dont know if this is temporary yet or long term she will be returning to the chest Doctor on December 1st to see what is the next step. The whole family is keeping her in prayer. She has been having her emotional ups and downs but I always try to cheer her up and make her laugh when she is feeling down.

Oxygen is an invisible gas that your body needs to live. Your lungs take the oxygen out of the air you breathe and put it into your blood. Your blood takes the oxygen to your brain and all of the cells in your body. Your cells use oxygen and nutrition from the foods you eat to make the energy they need to function. If you have problems with your lungs, heart, or blood you may need extra oxygen. Your body may also need extra oxygen after some injuries, such as burns. You may need extra oxygen when traveling to high altitudes or traveling by plane. You may need oxygen if you were exposed to a toxic substance, such as cyanide or carbon monoxide. Supplemental oxygen is thought of as a drug. You must have a prescription  from a doctor for oxygen therapy in order to get it. The prescription will include how much oxygen you should have, and how often. Getting too much oxygen may be dangerous. Always use your oxygen as directed by your caregiver..

My mom needs the supplemental (extra) oxygen because she has a lung disease that the doctors cant determine, they think that the cancer may have spread to the lungs as well as the bones but the also said it may be 2 other things. As a result, she has a breathing problem, doctors can not do a biopsy because she may go into cardiac aresst. Oxygen therapy is suppose to make my mom feel better. She should sleep better, be more alert, and be in a better mood. She should be able to carry out her daily activities without feeling as tired or as short of breath. But that has not been the case she has not been feeling any better. She seems to still be out of breath a lot she says.

She uses a Nasal cannula: A nasal cannula is made of lightweight, flexible plastic tubing. One end attaches to the oxygen source. The other end has two curved prongs that fit just inside your nostrils. The tubing can be held in place by looping it around your ears, or attaching it to your eye glasses.

I feel I  have the right to help plan her care. To help with this plan, I try to learn about her health conditions and how it may be treated. I discuss treatment options with her caregivers. I want them to decide what care may be used to treat her. But if the treatment given isn't showing improvement I will have to backtrack with her doctors and she what else can be done, and this is exactly what I plan to do on December 1st.

Everything falling into presecptive

Mom got her Home health aide. The aide started Friday and my mom will have her six hours a day, five days a week. Now my mom moved into Brooklyn so she could be closer to me and plus all her treatments are in Brooklyn. Everything is getting better. My mom gave me the low down on her knew helper as soon as I walked in her door Friday evening...I said sheesh ma what are you an investigator...lol, One thing for sure the home health aide has an easy job. she has to do all the basics of a homeworker but my mom don't require much because she don't want no one to bath her or cook for her. I don't blame her,my mom is sick but you cant tell her that...lol.  The head nurse also came by on Friday to review my mothers case and if all goes well my mom will get her wheel chair so she can get back and forth to her appointments easier and a chair for bath times.

Due to her lung disease it is very difficult for her to move around without getting shortness of breath,  and that is why she is taken O2. She also have her Access-a-ride, Which is a pain in the butt already she has had her first Chemotherapy treatment on Wednesday the drop off trip was on point, but the pick up was a mess she had to take a cab home. So we came to the conclusion that we will just use them for drop off services ONLY. They are really strict we have to schedule an appointment too days before the appointment and we have to know the exact pick up and drop off time because Access-a-ride don't do same day scheduling, Geezzz. So since most of her appointments are doctor appointment we don't know what time she will be done at the doctors. We will just use it to our benefit and call it a day.

Last but not least she got her insurance cleared on 10/21, and I was able to get her to keep her community medicaid, because Medicaid choice had contacted her trying to force her to take an HMO, but with a HMO they limit her services. Plus two different people That I spoke to,  including a social worker at the hospital told me with her illness she is entitle to straight Medicaid and that I should ignore the HMO issue. When I called up Medicaid after tryin to get in contact with them for four days and I was able to speak to someone, and she told me that my mom IS ELIGIBLE for the straight community medicaid. So all is good.

Mom ChemothreaphyTreatment Update

Mom got her first Chemotherapy (intravenous) IV, treatment yesterday she arrived at 8am and and was finish by 1:30pm. They ran a blood test at first to make sure her kidneys could handle the treatment and what dosage should be given. The nurse says she has to be given the treatment for the rest of her live. That is not cool, but she has to do what she has to do and  this is the outcome when one decides to take it upon there self to ignore there health in the early years.

She was a little nerves but everything went well, she felt a bit tired when she came out but that's all no other side effects yet.

The Outcome.

This post consist of somethings that I have read on-line and what the doctors has told me. I may break it up into two pieces. Since my mom has been released from the hospital on the 14th, she had her first Oncologist visit yesterday. I was able to get her in and out because she was on oxygen and the staff they had yesterday actually gave a *Bleep*.

She is still taking the hormone pill call Estrogen which is suppose to stop the cancer from spreading, she has been complaining about feeling chest pain after she takes them. When we mentioned that to her doctor her response was good it is working *shrugs* Yesterday they decided to start the knew treatment along with the Estrogen pill, she has an appointment next week Wednesday at 8am to start chemotherapy by injection. When I came home from work today I Google the Chemotherapy treatment. The doc had mentioned to us yesterday that it may affect her kidney alongside the fact she will begin to feel very tried. So I asked if they can check to see if it will or will not affect her kidney before they started it. The treatment will be giving to her every 6 weeks if her kidneys can handle it.

On our way home yesterday she rested her head on my should and said Vanessa am scared... I rubbed her on her back and said don't worry ma I'll be right here with you. She made me feel so sad. But my good spirit is what keeps her going most days so I could not let her see my eyes...because she would she the pain in my eyes that women raised me she knows me oh to well..I'll be posting about the Chemotherapy by injection treatment in a few I found some good information I can link to also. I am so happy I can blog when I want to, If I kept all this inside I would probably bust...lol

WHAT IS A SPOT IN THE LUNGS?

A spot in the lung usually refers to a small, discrete, rounded nodule visible on a routine chest x�ray. Spots may range in size from that of a dime to a silver dollar; because their shape is rounded they are often referred to as coin nodules. Coin nodules are never a normal finding, although they may be benign or malignant.
Benign lesions (another word for abnormal spots or coin nodules) are usually due to old infections that have healed to form a scar. Malignant lesions are usually due to lung cancer or cancer that has spread from elsewhere in the body to the lungs. Utilizing only the routine chest x�ray it is seldom possible to differentiate between benign and malignant lesions. This difference is critical since a malignancy (cancer) may be in its early stages and amenable to surgery. Conversely, a benign lesion usually warrants no treatment and will not affect the patient's life. What to do after finding a coin nodule on chest x�ray depends on the patient's age, smoking history, availability of old x�rays, and a host of other factors.
A lung infiltrate is an abnormality on chest x�ray larger than a coin lesion or spot. It is also non�specific and may be due to a variety of causes: pneumonia, partial lung collapse, cancer, tuberculosis, and pulmonary blood clots are common examples.

WHEN SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT SYMPTOMS OF RESPIRATORY DISEASE?

Most symptoms of benign respiratory disease are self�limiting, that is, they last no more than a few days and then go away.
Symptoms lasting longer than a few days should probably be investigated, especially if they limit you in any way. Certain symptoms should be investigated immediately. These include:

• Severe or crushing chest pain. This may reflect a heart attack or other serious problem .
• Gross hemoptysis. This is more than simple blood�streaking of sputum; it means coughing up at least a teaspoon of bright red blood.
• Sudden shortness of breath at rest. This may be due to sudden development, or worsening, of heart or lung failure.
• Sudden deterioration of mental status. Although this is usually not due to respiratory causes, it may be, and demands immediate evaluation.
• Any symptom accompanied by incapacitating apprehension. This is another way of saying that if a symptom bothers you to the point you cannot function from worrying about it, you should probably have it investigated immediately.
• Your apprehension may be warranted.

WHAT CAUSES COUGH?
We all cough at times. It is a natural and normal protective mechanism to clear our airways of particulate matter that doesn't belong there. Cough is due to irritation of the airway lining by something, usually mucus, dust, secretions, or blood. The underlying condition may range from a simple cold or a mild asthma attack to heart failure or lung cancer.
When a cough lasts only a few minutes we think no more about it. However, many times, particularly after a cold or virus infection, the cough persists. Because it is so commonly associated with colds and upper respiratory infections, coughing is one of the most frequent respiratory complaints. Whenever a cough is associated with high fever, shortness of breath, production of foul smelling sputum, or severe chest pain, it should be evaluated by a physician. These all point to potentially serious but treatable causes. Beyond these associated symptoms, it is convenient to discuss the symptom of cough based on its time span.

Acute Cough: Lasts only a few minutes; it is a universal experience and is a normal protective mechanism.
Cough of Short Duration: This is a self�limited cough lasting less than three weeks, usually due to colds or upper respiratory infections. It may also be due to asthma, bacterial infections, or limited exposure to noxious material.
Chronic Cough: Lasts longer than three weeks; this is a time beyond which a cough can no longer be simply attributed to colds or viral infections.

MOST COMMON CAUSES OF A CHRONIC COUGH
Cigarette smoking
Chronic bronchitis
Emphysema
Asthma
Lung Cancer
Chronic post�nasal drip due to sinusitis or allergy
Tuberculosis
Chronic viral infection of the airways

WHAT IS HEMOPTYSIS?
Hemoptysis is the coughing up of blood. Many physicians distinguish between blood streaking and gross hemoptysis. In the former a few streaks of blood can be seen in a sea of otherwise whitish or grayish mucus; it is a common (but not to be ignored) finding in chronic bronchitis and in protracted coughs from any reason. Gross hemoptysis is when the majority of what is coughed up is blood. Although this may also be found in patients with chronic bronchitis, it usually demands a thorough evaluation for lung cancer or other serious illnesses.

MAJOR CAUSES OF HEMOPTYSIS
Bronchiectasis (chronic infection of the airways that leads to weak and dilated bronchial tubes)
Tuberculosis
Lung cancer
Pulmonary embolism
Pneumonia
Some forms of heart disease
Blood arising from anywhere in the mouth or nose
Chronic bronchitis (chronic inflammation of the airways associated with chronic cough)

WHAT IS THE BEST TREATMENT FOR A COUGH?
For a cough of short duration the best treatment is no treatment. Most cough medicines are really expectorants, designed to help you mobilize secretions, not prevent the cough. Although many times it may be helpful to give an expectorant, this cannot be considered "treating the cough." True cough suppressants, such as codeine, are related to narcotics and potentially harmful if they suppress the coughing of mucus or other irritating material. If a cough is truly non�productive of mucus and suppression is desired, one of the many codeine�containing compounds may be tried for a short period of time.
When a cough is due to a limited condition such as a cold, it will disappear when the patient improves. A chronic cough demands investigation for the underlying cause that, if found and treated, will also do away with the cough. If a thorough investigation does not reveal a specific cause, a trial of bronchodilators and/or corticosteroids may be helpful However, it cannot be overemphasized that treatment of a chronic cough is not the same as treating the underlying condition. Cough is a symptom and not a disease: treating only the symptom may miss the disease.

My Day in a Long Nutshell

It's one thing to see a lung disease that was already diagnosed, but another to see changes that no one predicted were there. The doctors are saying they see spots on my mothers Lungs, now I know for a fact that is not the medical terminology or diagnostics name for spotting on the lungs. So of course I went home to do my Google homework. I found out that spotting on the lungs can be multiple things ranging from not so serious problems, to very serious (as in lung cancer) lung problems. I don't know why the doctors are sugar coating her issues. This is going to be long...

My mom has trouble with her breathing and needs to be on oxygen 24/7 due to her lung issue. Doctors can not give her a biopsy to see exactly what the spots on her lungs are because she can go into cardiac arrests if they try to go in threw her mouth. Well hell I don't want that but I would like to know if this cancer has now spread to her lungs or not.

She has been in the hospital since 10/02-present and every piece of information i got i had to literally chase down a doctor to get it. Today I spoke the Social worker because her little high satiety ass was on vacy for 3 days while my mom has been sitting in that hospital bed for the past 3 days (am sorry I usually don't call people names but they are pissing me off). you would think she would have came in this morning and put together that information for my mom to get her oxygen tank and get the hell p out of there but know I call her around noon and she is telling me she has not gotten around to it yet. smh what the hell has she been doing all morning if my mom had her blood work in since Friday and she was qualified for the oxygen tank why is it that4 hours and 3 days later her paper work is not together and ready to go..ahhh man.

 She went ahead and applied for Medicaide because she is to young for Medicare. Medicaid is another one she had an appointment to take in her lease because she need documents to make sure she qualified well I had to fax the paper work for her because I called the office to let them know that she cannot make the appointment on the 7th because she has been hospitalized. They said it's okay just put her case worker name on the coversheet. fine 12:10am on 10/08 the lease got faxed i called her case worker this morning at 11am too business days later because they were closed Saturday and Sunday and there was a Holiday on Monday the lady has not went to the office to get the fax I was so pissed. I know our problem is know one else but these people get paid to do a job and they act as if they don't know what there job is sometimes and it is very annoying at time.

The reason why I guess I was so aggravated to was because my baby wasn't feeling good today I was at work unloading my 8am truck and I my supervisor called me and said V your son's school is on the line so when i get on the phone it was the Nurses office so apparently he has a little stomach bug nothing to serious just some aches. So I had to leave work at 9am to go and pick him up from school. I have been giving him hot ginger ale and lots of water he has been napping all day am not sure how he is going to feel tomorrow.

And on top of all of this my job is sending me for a random drug test between today and Thursday arrgghhh..

I don't wanna grow up...lol
Gia~

My weekend with Mom.

I was with my mom most of the weekend she was suppose to come home on Saturday but after one of the doctor's assistant physicians drew some blood to check her oxygen level they realized that her oxygen level was below normal. (Normal being 89+, my mom oxygen level was @ 55).The only way they were going to release her from the hospital was if she had an oxygen tank going home with her.The blood work was taken late Friday evening and all the social workers had left for the day and they will not return until Tuesday because of the holiday so that left her in the hospital for additional 3 days.

We have to pay cash for the tank until her emergency health insurance comes threw which is suppose to take 45 days. I am hoping that the insurance company will reinbrush us for the cost of the tank, at least there suppose to. When I spoke to the Social worker on Friday evening she mentioned to me that she was looking for an inexpensive tank because the company that they use are pretty costly being that most of the patients that use these tank are paying for it threw medicare etc...My mom also needs a portable oxygen tank for when she goes outside to hospitail vists and so forth.

It seems as thought the lung disease is taken a harder toll on her than the spreading of the cancer. we have came to find out in the past 2 weeks that the shortness of breath is coming from the lung problem which threw prior cat scans as far back as 2007 was spotted but the doctors did not payed it any attention...smh. All-in-all she has been hanging in there she has had lots of visitor so the medical staff knows she is not alone, her mom and aunt has been sending her lots of home cooked for so she is not subjuected to that blain hospital food and the whole family is praying for her. While I was there today her uncle, his wife and daughter drove up from Long island NY to come and see her. I thought that was very thoughtful of them. That is a 75 mile drive from LI to Brooklyn.

Since the doctor received the Pathology report he has prescribed her to take ten tablets a day one is Estrogen to help stop the cancer from spreading from the breast, one is a antibiotic to help cure the lung disease, and the 8 are low milligrams of medicine to help her eat because she has loss her appetite in the past 2 months she went from weighing 180lbs to 149lbs she said to me today I have not been 149lb since I was a teenage and she started lol. I am glad she has a sense of humor threw all that she is going threw. Those 8 pills are working too because every time I walk into her room she is munching on something..Which is a good sign.

Who Can You Run Too...

The doctors are not sure what is what with my mom and that is scary. I was got the pathology report to her today. She has been in the hospital since Friday, right before I left she had an appointment to see the lung specialist her breathing was so out of control that they admitted her into the ER immediately.

The night before I left i went to see her i brought her some oatmeal rain cookie and a cross word puzzle along with her bible. I got back in town 1am this morning and I went to see her today, they were suggesting that she takes a hormonal pill that will control her cancer rather than take the kemo. They also said that the cancer had spread to the lung but now from a recent cat scan they say they see some spotting on the lungs which has been there since 2007 but they are not sure what it is...

Now that they have received her pathology report they can go ahead and give her the proper treatment that she needs, The bad News is that she has had the cancer for 10 years already it has be deteriorating her body so he told me today that her cancer is untreatable because she waited to long to seek medical help. But they are going to go ahead and give her what she needs for now. That was not the greatest news, then again no news is good news.

I am trying to stay strong for her sake. But I knew this was going to be the outcome. They will be sending her home with an oxygen tank because she cannot breath without it. It seems like her condition went from bad to worst overnight but in reality it has been 10 years of her neglecting her health...I am praying sincerely day night..

Lung Specialist

My ride are the ones procrastinating now, I was suppose to be gone from 3:30pm (lol)

Today my mom had her follow up with the lung specialist. She had a 1pm appointment I could not make that with her because I had to pick my son from school.

I got my aunt to go with her when my mom got to the hospital they put her on the air machine right away ( I really don't know the medical terminology for the air machine, and am not going to try and act like i do:)..Her oxygen level was at 73% verses the normal100% level.

At 4pm she calls me and says they are admitting her. If it's not one thing it's another. I was thinking about canceling my trip OT but she told me not to. All she needs is her phone charger so on my way, I will pick her up one and drop it off by my aunt so she can take it for her tomorrow.

She was suppose to be going for a regular follow up for some test she took on the 21st of September, instead it turned into an overnight admission in the ER..Dammit.

If this font is to small please let me know I will change it

Trying to keep things in Motion

Going Google crazy last night paid off for me this morning, shew. I just got off the phone with the doctor that did the surgery on my mom in 2000, (another blessing is that the doctor himself answered the phone), What are the chances of that happening?! His receptionist happen to step out the office for a few so I got a chance to speak to him directly.

Anywho, he said he may be able to help get my moms Pathology reports to me, but as for the Paraffin Stained slides those were left at the hospital in the medical record department, which recently closed down in March 2008. I am not to sad because I truly think her doctor can find out what stage her cancer was at with the pathology report alone. It's better than nothing. After hanging up with the doc this morning, all I could say is " There is a God, because only he knows". smh, *whew*
Now I have to wait for his receptionist to get back in, I should be getting a call back from the doctors office, hopefully before noon letting me know what is what with my mom reports. Hopefully it be good News. and  on that note let me go say a prayer.

Have a great day all, Oh I'll be back lol
Gia.

Thank goodness for Google...

  I have been working on getting my mom a social Worker and I may need to request a referral to a mental health professional. Since we found out the hospital closed two years ago in which she had the surgery done in 2000 she has been falling apart on me. She is crying more often and, she is just not the same. Her weight has dropped at least 40lbs in the last 5 months. It's just getting to be to much on her.

On Monday I called 311 and I  was able to get a hold of the NYS Health Department Of medical records, they have all records to hospitals which have closed down and so forth, well that was good News but it wasn't all gravy because the told me by LAW there can only keep records for 7 years then they purge them afterwards smh. I was kind of aware of this but I was hoping they would have said different for the sake of mom.

I know one thing this county hospital is bugging out by saying that they can not treat her any further if she does not bring back this pathology report. I cant and I wont buy it, the other hospital that transferred her to Kings County was at least trying to give her treatment they were willing to start her from scratch, but because of her not having sufficient health insurance they could not go any further neither. smh effing health insurance. I see why everybody wants to move to Canada!

We may have to end up going back there now that here health insurance got right.

I decided to Google her doctors name. She just had the last name, but I was able to pull up a doctor that worked in that hospital that closed down, who now has a private practice around the corner from where the hospital use to be. I think this is the same Doctor because he specializes in the type of surgery that my mom  had back in 2000. So tomorrow I will contact these three number I have for him.
*crossing fingers*

(Metastatic) Breast Cancer and so forth...

The term, metastatic, describes a cancer that has spread to distant organs from the original tumor site. Metastatic breast cancer is the most advanced stage (stage IV) of breast cancer. Cancer cells have spread past the breast and axillary (underarm) lymph nodes to other areas of the body where they continue to grow and multiply. Breast cancer has the potential to spread to almost any region of the body. The most common region breast cancer spreads to is the bone, followed by the lung and liver. Treatment of metastatic breast cancer generally focuses on relieving symptoms and extending a woman’s lifetime.

My mom has just realize after 3 weeks of running back and forth to this hospital in Manhattan that this is not the hospital that she did the Pathology surgery at back in 2000.  When I first requested her medical records from the hospital they told me that they have no records of her name in the system. Second time around then they tell me by law they can only keep a patients records for 6-7 years then they have all right to destroy them, that sounded a little fishy to me.I continue to pressue getting these records by calling the patient representative department. They sent a e-mail to the medical records administrators. That's when they got back to me this morning saying there is no record of that name and birthday matching there records.

At this stage her doctors cannot treat her any further until they find out what stage her breast cancer was in when she had the lymph node removed in 2000. Long story short the hospital was right, when they said she was not in the system she was never in that hospital. The hospital that she did have the surgery done in was 3 blocks down and she did not have the name to the hospital only the phone number smh.... Now I know the city is big but I cant believe she mixed up these two hospital one is a well known, huge hospital with many location vs the hospital she went to.

After six (6) 411 calls and seventeen (17) Google searches I was able to find the actual hospital name, but get this; it has been closed down for the past 2 years ...boi I tell ya lol However, they are still operating out of certain departments in the hospital, So even tho I was not able to talk to anyone in the Medical records department I got an operator on the phone and she said I have to leave my name and number and wait for some one to get in contact with me. Being today is Friday and no one has called me I know I have to wait until next week sometime to get a appointment to pick up her records that's if they even still have them...But I'll keep it positive cuz Lord knows we need these records all treatment has been post pone until we get these papers...As far as her Pulmonary Fibrosis she has a appointment with the lung specialist on Oct, 2nd...


Ahhhhhh That feels better I got to let it out LOL
Have a lovely weekend Ply!

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

What a difference a day makes. I am OK, I just have a lot of things going on I pop in my Boyz II Men CD today and I keep hitting the rewind button on this particular song (check title) the lyrics are on point right now, I `needed a piece of mind. There is so much going on in life and it's all happening so fast. One day everything is all good and the next day it can feel like you just got hit with a ton of brick & a shovel:)

 As some of you already know (from my previous blog) my mom has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer which have spread to her bone within the past 10 years, due to her lack of acknowledging the deadly disease in the earlier stages and getting the right treatment she needed. Yesterday she found out she also has a rear Lung  Disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis which causes the lungs to become scarred and stiffened. This stiffening may make it increasingly difficult for her to breathe.

I have watched my mom for years as she was getting ill but she was to head strong and the type of individual that does not listen to anybody or anyone. I love my mom dearly regardless of the fact  we did not get along one bit when I was growing up. Now that she has fallen ill I am all she has because her stubborn ways have driven all her close relatives away. Being the only child, all of her appointments and and doctor visits have to be scheduled by me alnong with my responsibility of raising my 10 year old who demands 90% of my time. I have been praying day and night that things get better. As we all know God has this all written out and we have to take it one day at a time.

This is one of the 3 blogs that I will post here tonight I just really need to talk to someone and  I have no friends, there is no one for me to talk to. But my computer listens (lol) So I will blog. If any one take the time out to read this I just want to say Thank you

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

What a difference a day makes. I am OK, I just have a lot of things going on I pop in my Boyz II Men CD today and I keep hitting the rewind button on this particular song (check title) the lyrics are on point right now, I `needed a piece of mind. There is so much going on in life and it's all happening so fast. One day everything is all good and the next day it can feel like you just got hit with a ton of brick & a shovel:)

As some of you already know (from my previous blog) my mom has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer which have spread to her bone within the past 10 years, due to her lack of acknowledging the deadly disease in the earlier stages and getting the right treatment she needed. Yesterday she found out she also has a rear Lung Disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis which causes the lungs to become scarred and stiffened. This stiffening may make it increasingly difficult for her to breathe.

I have watched my mom for years as she was getting ill but she was to head strong and the type of individual that does not listen to anybody or anyone. I love my mom dearly we did not get along one bit when I was growing up. Now that she has fallen ill I am all she has because her stubborn ways have driven all her close relatives away. Being the only child, all of her appointments and and doctor visits have to be scheduled by me a long with my responsibility of raising my 10 year old who demands 90% of my time. I have been praying day and night that things get better. As we all know God has this all written out and we have to take it one day at a time.

This is one of the 3 blogs that I will post here tonight I just really need to talk to someone and  I have no friends, there is no one for me to talk to. But my computer listens (lol) So I will blog. If any one take the time out to read this I just want to say Thank you for listening in advance have a blessed evening

>Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.
~Gia.~

Urban State of Mind

This here ain't no romance. It's an urban state of mind Real life, straight unscripted Which 4 some of us is hell. If truth and violence scares U Then this stuff ain't 4 U. But someone's out there hurting Cuz they know these words are true. In my mind I give U tribulations large and small The streets are grimy, cash is king And young girls take a fall. Flox chillin in the sunburbs Sucking on a sliver spoon Pretend this shyt don't happen? Well yo azz is bout to swoon. But 4 urban soldiers living on the front lines every day I speak your truth and sing your song Cuz real's the only way. So this here ain't no romance I'ma say it once again It's an urban state of mind Not no bullshyt CNN.

P.Swayze Death Touch me For One Reason;

I felt a little sad last night when I heard about Patrick Swayze death due to Pancreatic Cancer
he was only 57years old I consider that pretty young to die. I will tell you why it made me sad besides the fact that I really enjoyed two of the actors movies one is his 1987 film Dirty Dancing and the other His biggest hit came in 1990, when he starred in Ghost with Whoopie Goldberg and Demi Moore.

Well back to why his death hit home in my heart is because back in 2000 my mom was diagnosed with Breast cancer she went ahead and had the lypnote removed but refused to get kemo which has never really been medically  proving to cure cancer but it is a treatment that is common for most Cancer patient well due to her not following up treatment like she should have 2 months ago she feel ill again and doctors think that the Cancer has now spread to her lungs and bones in her case if so it is UNtreatable... Everyone in our family knows this could have been prevented if she had done what she was suppose to but we cant make her feel bad about something that has already taken it coruse so from here on in all I can do is give her the support that she needs.

So I said all of that to say this my mom is only 52 years (yes she is a young mom) and she is living with Cancer also. We never know what tomorrow holds, To know that this man Patrick Swazye; who was diagnosed in January 2008, living for more than a year-and-a-half with this extremely deadly form of cancer died so fast is a bit scary to me in reflection to my mom.

Patrick Swayze and Pancreatic Cancer If you were to look at statistics the prognosis that is given to most patients with metastatic cancer is usually three to six months There are a couple of things about pancreatic cancer and one of them is that about 50 percent of patients will already be at the metastatic stage of the disease when they show the first symptoms.No doubt that it is a bad disease to have but you’ve got to look at this like the glass is half full and not half empty.and it seems Swayze did just that — living life to the fullest right until the very end

Dirty dancing final Patrick Swayze
by laetitoumi

Lil Mama ice grill Jay Z at the VMA???

she was feeling the song and forgot she wasn't on that song...lol

Kanye West Crashes The Stage

Mr. West stormed the stage during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to express his opinion on who should have won.

MTV Shows

The way I see It

You know what,

This is the continuation to what I wrote on Sunday. Life has a way of knocking you on your arse. Once I heard a radio host ask a good question," Why do bad things happen to good people? During my life I asked that question a lot..

Then Reality kicks in; My sons Bishop once told a story about Adam and Eve When God made Adam he instructed him to do three things work, cultivate, protect. Down threw history men have always been measured by how hard they’ve worked and cultivated, by how well they protected there wives and children.

In the old days  women saw there men as conquers, providers, heroes. But some where along that changed. We (women) started becoming our own heroes. Maybe it was because our men forgot how to heroic or because we (women) didn’t want to be protected anymore or maybe it was from the  pain we had to endure during life. But whatevea the cause, the world took away a mans reason for being a man. They told him he wasn’t important anymore and when that happen it turned the whole world upside down! This is from my (Gia's) POV.

Maybe am wrong it can just be the devil staying busy @ work what do you think?

Just a Thought For Today

Sometimes when you don’t know where to turn you have to turn to what you know. I know my chair my records my music the only problem is when the songs over your right back to where you stared.

On the flip side of the Streets (Enigma)

Just to let everyone know, I'm no fan of dance music at all. I generally find this type of music to get on my nerves. I like Reggae, Yes, ELP, Hip Hop, Pop type of stuff, so Enigma should be totally out of my league, but then why on Earth do I love it? Because it has some of the most creepy atmosphere I have ever heard on any album. The idea of blending a genre I can't stand (dance) with a very gloomy electronic ambiance, Gregorian chanting and odd electronic flutes actually turned out to be quite appealing. I bought this in 1991, so I was more or less there from the beginning and I was not one bit disappointed. Those Gregorian chants are real (I heard those chants on some TV documentary without the Enigma beats). The first time I became aware of Enigma was seeing a video to "Sadness" in November 1990, about three months before the American release of MCMXC a.D. and from just hearing that, I knew I had to get the album once it became easily available. This album is sure not perfect. The dance beats do get very samey and it does sound quite homogeneous, but the very creepy and gloomy atmosphere makes up for this album's shortcomings. I have heard the next two Enigma releases, but I was not as impressed. The Cross of Changes finds them being more diverse, but the gloomy atmosphere was gone, replaced by the occasional sickeningly sweet New Age . For those people who understand and appreciate the power of music to enhance mood, this release is an experience in sensuality. Layered with religious symbolism, lush female vocals, spoken word (often in French), sounds from nature, and sensual beats, Enigma takes the listener (or listeners, as this release is also enjoyable with a companion) on a journey of self actualization, inner peace, and outward passion.

Enjoy.

"Precious" Release Date

Yay me, I just found out the release date for "Precious": Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire in theaters November 12. 2009.

NYC please don't go Black again *crossing fingers*

Pedestrians clogged the Brooklyn Bridge as the power outage brought life to a standstill. Exactly 6 year and four day ago NYC had the Blackout it was a scary day. I was working as a receptionist In Midtown Manhattan. I had left work exactly one hour before things got hectic. I remember my mom telling me she had to walk like 15 miles to get home. She didn't reach home until 10 pm that night. A lot of people had no idea what was going on that evening. It started at 4pm Friday. The lights and power was not restored until 1pm the following day. Stores were locking there shit up in fair of looters.

This is what happened in 1977 In Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant looters acted swiftly as store alarms were silenced by the power cutoff.

In 2003 Things were bad aslo it was the hottest month of the summer a lot of businesses lost money due to products going bad. Wow it was crazy. Commuters sleep on the steps of the Post Office on 33rd Street and Eighth Avenue in New York during the early hours of Friday, after being stranded by the city's electrical blackout. A huge power failure swept through parts of the Northeast, Midwest and Canada on Thursday, shutting down trains, subways and airports from New York City to Detroit, forcing people into the streets. At the ferry terminal on west 38th St., thousands of people without access to the subways and trains flocked to catch ferries, creating another form of gridlock. Passengers on the downtown A train were stuck underground for two hours before being led out by MTA employees. The blackout incident just clicked in my mind because last night I was sitting in my living room and I heard this loud BOOM sound. I looked out the window and I saw some smoke coming from the ground, I thought a car back fired that always happens no biggie. Well that wasn't the case about 15 minutes later there was 3 firetrucks outside my window. I didn't go down stairs to find out what was going on but they did there expecting and about 1 hour after they left a whole crew of Con Edison trucks was down stairs. I knew it was something bad. I was just praying that our light or power would go out. Con Ed have been outside all day all night when I came home today they were still there. Today was one of the hottest days in Brooklyn N.Y I need my AC and I need my power I hope they can fix everything without knocking out our electricity. Shoot, besides I pay to much taxes on my Con Ed bill for them to be messing up you know what am saying. I just spoke to my neighbor down stairs and she told me they called here earlier today and told her to unplug her AC, turn off the TV, and keep her doors closed am like WTH. They also said they will call here and tell here when she can turn it all back on. They haven't called me yet and we live in the same building. My neighbor is a hotmess to, because they told her all that and she didn't turn off a thing she said I need my air shit, it hot LOL what a mess. Well I hope everything works out, out there dam Con ED. Put our tax dollars to work and get it together.

My Insomnia Free Weekend.

My weekend turned out to be fairly decent. Saturday started of pretty slow I didn't expect to go know where when I woke up that morning, but I got a phone call at 3pm from my crazy cousin telling me to come to Chucky Cheese to celebrate her youngest daughters birthday party. I would have went but she waited until 2 hours before she was ready to leave, to invite me out. A bitch like me is not good with last minute invites. I told her I may not be able to make it. Then she tells me that she will be having a get together in her basement after Chucky Cheese around 7pm So I said cool I can do that. I called my friend up to see if she would come with me and bring the kiddies( she has 4) she bailed on me, because it was last minute. I don't blame her. Well I went out & I had a blast with the little ones. They made me wish I was 3 or 4 years old again. They are so innocent and care free lol. After they cut the cake and everybody ate, I poured me a cup of Hennessy. I have not drank in 4 years so that thing went straight to my head. The party was over at 1am. I made my doggy bag and brought my tipsy behind home. I didn't have no case of Insomnia that night lol. And Sunday was my lazy day, I chillaxed on my couch all day. That's was my weekend in a nutshell. Have a lovely week everybody, Know that somebody Loves you ---{--@

Men do the funniest things, Here's an example of one.

This is to funny to me.Sorry Dave i had to put you on blast. My friend is a single parent, he calls me up and says, "Nessa something is wrong with this ground beef," so I say "what happen to it?" He says, "it's slimy" I said 'well throw it out. I asked him "did you buy it like that?" " He said "no" then he continues to say "all I did was wash it." ~Blank Stare~ I was cracking up. I said "Dave you don't have to wash ground beef babe." LMAO. He says Oh! hey i guess we have to live and learn . Still LOL.

FOX Reality TV House husbands of Hollywood

The Cosby's kid is back on T.V. About 2 days ago I was watching The Cosby show on TVLand with my son, I was wondering what ever happened to Vanessa. Beginning Aug. 15, former 'Cosby Show' and 'A Different World' stars Tempestt Bledsoe and Darryl M. Bell will be featured in the network's all-new reality series, 'House husbands of Hollywood.'

United We Stand (So they say)

Urrgggh... Back in the days that symbol to the left (in some cases to the right:) was the most secure position one can hold in the government. (paid vacation, benefits, sick days annual leave etc..) No Caucasian men or women wanted this job back then either because it consist of "hard labor". Since early this year when the recession started hitting hard, there have been more Caucasian applying for a spot in the Postal Service than any other race. Things that make me go humm.. I know why they want in. It's because a lot of the office jobs have been given them pink slips, and only government jobs are secure right now well so they say I know different because i have worked there over 4 years now and even tho that is not very long it's long enough to know that things are getting bad it the postal service department. I love my job and I would not want to work anywhere else. But as of lately every time I see that damn eagle on the side of the trucks I want to shoot it. (LOL) It's not the job that is bad it's the people that works at the job that makes the job bad. Yeah I had a bad day, but am home now I just had to get that out. Have a lovely evening everyone----{--@

Here We Go Again

I thought I was going to get a break today, to my surprise starting from 4am-5pm I received a total of seventy five (75) calls from, yes you guessed it "The Psycho". She is so immature for here age. Today I pinched her nerve (fuck it I was bored myself) I mentioned her ghetto children names Papoose and Gizmo. Isn't Gizmo the head gremlin from the movie "Gremlins". Lawrd please forgive me. LOL So she goes off telling me "I guess he (My sons father) didn't tell you, am Bipolar from the stroller." I wanted to laugh so hard when I heard that am wondering if she trying to get a record deal over the phone jack, she is so lame. 30 years old 2 kids and this is how she acts. Some women need to start off with animals (cats dogs, birds etc...) before they go having children. I am sorry to say this but I pity her children. I real do, pure soul. Any who have a lovely weekend and know that somebody loves you all!!!

I don't want Cool Fool!

TGIF.

Have a great weekend. The summer is coming to a end, I didn't go to Maui this summer. Maybe it's would be better to go there in the winter. I think the climate stays the same all year round in Hawaii because there across the equator. They have a beach in Hawaii, called the Black Sand beach, It is beautiful. Black sand beach in Maui, Hawaii. Villa in Hawaii Did you go on vacation this summer? If so do tell. Know that someone Loves you.

Emotional Blowout

The wicked witch a.k.a, (the 30 yr old Physco) keeps calling all night, early in the morning, she woke me up yesterday morning and for work this morning. Kudos for my knew alarm clock. I am not going to waste this post on her. I am confining in my blog about this "emotional blowout" that am going threw. I don't know how much more I can take, i'll tell you a little bit about it. At the end of 2007 I met this nice guy at my job. We started dating,and one thing lead to another now were living together. The stressful part of this relationship is that I was living by myself when I met my boyfriend. He was living with a women that hehas been going out with for TWENTY (20) years. He kept telling me that the relationship is no good, the relationship is dying, yadda yadda yay. It is now August 2009 all that has changed is that he lives here with me now. But there is a twist to that also.

Are you ready, Hold on here we go;

Scenario #1 My man is approximately 32 years older than me. The house that he and the women lives in is "HIS" house but he's not paying mortgage or any bills there (anymore). The women that lives there takes care of everything. He says the house is in forecloser and he's letting her stay there until she finds somewhere to go ~blank stare~ He has very few clothes here, all his mail still goes to the house he lives in with her. Scenario #2 On July 22 he said he was going to be late he had to go put in a ceiling fan for a co-worker. My insecurity came out and I asked him are you sure your not going to your womans house . He said Vanessa (that's me) you know I have no reason to lie to you. I took his word for it everything went all good he came home we made love that night . Cool. Scenario #3 The next morning he wakes up for work we speak, joke around, drank a cup of coofee together he leaves out at 6am. He usually calls me 4 times a day the least I didn't get one call from him. Around the time he would be on break I called him he didn't answer his phone. Fine, I called backed maybe twice between then and the time he gets off of work which is at 3:30pm, No answer. It's 5pm way after the time he should be home and he still haven't called 7pm I start to get worried am wondering the worst @ this point, what if he got into a car accident because it's not the norm for him to stay out without calling. I call a supervisor at the plant that he hangs out with and ask him if he seen him today, he says yes. Now my nerves has went back down because at least I know he's not hurt. So I wait, I wait, I wait, I keep calling, calling, calling no answer it's now 2am in the morning and am piss. This man did not call until 10am the next morning and he tells me that he's not ready talk but he needed a break and how he left Glenda (the 20 yr relationship), the house and me. He just needed to get away. Am like WTF. How easy was that, if I was to run away ever time that a problem aroused in my life, boy I would be one effed up individual. Here I am feeling dumb, stupid and lonely. The saga continues he doesn't call me for 3 days straight and does not answer any of my e-mails. One day I was calling him he tells me hes in N.C he's doing fine and it will be a while before he returns to me because he's going to Atlanta after he leaves there. I was boiling inside. I put in so much time and effort into this man. I have been in my apartment for only 5 months by myself, (just got out of an abusive relationship) before he stepped into my life he was all I knew. At least that's how I felt. As the days went by he started calling at least once a day and he was answering my calls again. He told me a week before he came back that he retired from his job at the Post Office I was in total shock. Well long story short he got back last night. But the twist is he is back to playing both sides of the field and am beginning to think I should have just dealt with the pain and let him GO. Last night he went to his house first, (that's where his women resides). He says there is no relationship there but he lets her live there. From my personal experience if a man don't want to be with you any more there's no way in hell he gonna let you live up in his house, mind you there not married and there are no kids involved. When he gets in my apartment last night, he is telling me that his brother is having a surprise retirement party and his sister niece and brother are coming from North Carolina, Virgina, and Upstate NY to stay at his house ~blank Stare~ Just a year ago he was telling me how much his sister and Glenda the women in the house don't like each other now all of a sudden they having a fucking family reunion. LOL life is grand isn't it. He says O don't worry I'll be here with you please don't stress me out just let me handle this I got this. I am so fucking hurt right now for multiple reasons. One is because we have been seeing each other for almost 2 years No one in his family knows about me his sister seen me once and I was introduced as "a friend", this time last year he had to go upstate by his sister house to fix his car insurance. He was telling his sister he may bring somebody, his sister jumps and say who Glenda. This is after she meet me apparently I am not seen as a women of his. I am so confused right now. I know how mad I am by my actions I had a bottle of sparkling wine in my fridge since New Years eve, I haven't drank it because I have stopped drinking for over 3 years now. I popped that shit open last night lol. Matter a fact am going to pour me a glass right now before I proof read and post this blog:) Have a great night everyone Know that someone loves you, and yes I am taking note! Somebody loves me I just haven't found out who lol. Night!

Stories of my Life...

She's at it again, the 30 years old Physco. This morning I let the answering machine pick up one of her many calls and she leave a lame ass message saying she is looking for Denise (mine you her name is Deniece), he gave her my number. Yeah right. Not only is she lame but she is a liar to. This stated at 6 o'clock this morning (mind you I went to bed after 4 this morning) and I just received another call at 8:16am. What a way to start my day off. I am on my 3rd cup of coffee you want one (lol) Have a lovely day and know that someone loves you.

What Does that tells You?

Well I said my prayers tonight, I dosed off for about an hour and I was wide awake again. Am watching American Pie: Band Camp in hopes of falling asleep, but in reality I am wide awake and worried. I am worried because at 11am Monday morning my mom called and told me she was in the ER. I was aware of the fact that she was going to the doctor Monday morning, but I wasn't expecting her to go to the hospital. My mom have had a chronic cough for years now and it's not getting any better most people will notice the severity of the cough and seek medical help, but no not my mom. She waits until the last minute when it comes to her health. Her excuse is "I don't like doctors". About 3 months ago she was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with Triple Pneumonia. That type of pneumonia is so rear in the states that the doctor had to ask her if she left the state recently. Now again, this morning it seem that her cough was so sever that the doctor sent her to the hospital to get some test done. At 3pm she called and told me that there keeping her overnight. That's is not the type of news I wanted to here. As I lay here in bed right now I can't stop thinking about her. I wish she would take her health more serious at times. Me and my mother DO NOT have the best relationship but I do Love her. She is a grown women why should I her daughter have to scold her on something that is so important I just don't know sometimes. I said a prayer for her, I just hope she will be OK.

Nothin's ever promised tomorrow, today

Did it ever cross your mind that "they" put them lottery tickets here just to tease us!? My boyfriend spends money every single day playing lottery. Granted he has hit a few times in the past, the most 5G's. But I find it so weird how much money one person can spend on Lottery in a year. Lottery is like an addiction, I remember one time my man and I was taking a road trip to VA(Virgina) and he didn't get to play his numbers at the local store, so right before he got on the highway he starts panicking looking for a lottery store. It was so funny but in all actually it's not because he was coming off like a feen. I had to ask him; are you going to die if you don't get these mid-day numbers in.(lol) His lottery playing, is like clock work. In NY you have to get mid day numbers no later that1pm and the evening numbers by 7pm. So if we decide to sleep in late on Sunday he pops up by 11am and runs to the store to get his numbers in and same thing in the evening. Sometimes I just look at him and shake my head. He's addicted and he knows it! He went to Atlanta last week on vacation he called me this morning and he says,he hasn't been playing lotto, in the same breathe he turns and says he might go out and play a few numbers today SMDH...

The case of the 30 Year old Psycho

No the title is not referring to me :-) This is just a way for me to clear my mind. I was up last night messing around here on Blogger, I decided to sign off a little after 4am, I settled in my bed around 5am. My phone starts to ring the person hangs up. I have caller ID but at that time in the morning I wasn't calling anybody back, I figured it might be someone coming in from a party and might have called the wrong number. At 6am my phone rings again same number, same thing they hang up, at 7 am same thing at, 9 am same thing. So I came to the conclusion It was my sons father Ex-girlfriend. This girl/lady has be harassing me since late last year I'll tell you why. Early last year my son was spending the weekend by his fathers house. I called my son father cell phone to speak to my son. When I called a girl answered the phone at this time my sons father and this girl were supposedly separated. I found it strange that she was answering his phone. She starts asking me "why am I calling him", in total shock I actually answered her and told her I was calling to speak to my son. Well long story short she said he wasn't there, I said OK and hung up. From that day on this girl has been calling me seven times a day from morning to night *sick* The story behind this which I didn't find out until 4 months later is that, my Sons father was working at DHL and he had his uniform at her house he tried to retrieve it one night to go to work and she refused to give it to him. One weekend while my son was there she came over to his mother's house put the clothes in front of his mothers door steps and set the shit on fire.

~Blank Stare~

If that is not some sick shit I just don't know. From that day on it has been a disaster, she started stalking him, and just doing the most spiteful things you can think of. Remember I was telling you that she answered his phone , well it wasn't that he let her hold his phone, this Phsyco bitch forward all his calls to her phone,

~Blank Stare again~

Nobody on that side of the family told me this until 6 months after the fact. To top it all off I had to find out from his mother because anytime I asked him about it he would jump on the defense and get all upset. That make both of them sick. So now for 1 WHOLE YEAR this chick has been calling me almost everyday. 4 months ago she slowed down with the phone calls. The strange thing is that every time my son goes by his grandmother (the fathers mother) his ex-girlfriend calls. That tells me that he (my sons father) is still keeping in contact with this Physco. To wrap this all up am going to be the bigger women and keep ignoring her because people like that they feed off your anger and she is not worth my time. Love is Love Know that somebody Loves you ---{--@

Insomnia

I recently started suffering with Insomnia this year. It has been kicking my ass, most days I go to bed at 7am and wake up buy 12pm and stay up until 7am the next morning. I don't know what is happening. Maybe stress, the relationship, am just not feeling like myself. It's amazing how things can change when one is not happy with themselves. Know that somebody loves you ---{--@

"Judgmental Bloggers" Part II

I want to touch this topic again because I felt like I generalized the word "Judgmental". In this day and age people judge everything and everyone, I don't think it's necessary to judge. As Gods children we all were created different, no man or women thinks the same. My favorite saying in life is "Only God Can Judge me", and I think that's the realist shit I have ever heard. Judging whether someone is right or wrong, bad or good is the type of judging that is unnecessary by us. Judging should also not be confused with opinions. Opinions is something that everyone is entitled to have. Right or wrong? To clear the air according to Wikipedia Judgmental: Generally refers to the considered evaluation of evidence in the formation of making a decision. Opinion: Is a belief that may or may not be backed up with evidence, but which cannot be proved with that evidence. It is normally a subjective statement and may be the result of an emotion or an interpretation of facts; people may draw opposing opinions from the same facts. In my humble opinion I think we the people should keep it at opinions, and stop Judging each other.

"Judgmental Bloggers"

I was debating on whether or not to open this page. I set up my blogger account back in May of this year, and I haven't been back here since. I use to love to blog, I felt when you blog you can be who you want and talk about what you want, that was up until I got the rude awaken of

Judgmental Bloggers

I call them judgmental bloggers because they will go all out there way to tell you how wrong you are for what you have written or tell you that your work is not genuine because you decide to add a little bit more than it needs. Well after being attack about my blogging style 3 years ago, I got a little confused and I didn't know what direction to go no more. I tried to pay more attention to the "better bloggers" in my network, but to me they wasn't doing anything much different from me. I always thought and still do think that a blogger with a theme is the best bloggers out there. I also think positive blogging is a good thing. I dislike the Debate blogs, political blogs and blogs that just make my blood pressure go up. I can watch the News or read the Newspaper in that case. To wrap this all up, am making a come back on the Blogging wagon. I have learned a lot from 2005 to present and am not going to make the same mistakes. This is my spot and if I feel like writing a depressing blog because am depress I will do so, if I feel like writing a 2am blog because I have insomnia I will. If I feel like complaining about my lover I will do that all right here. LOL. Hi Nice to meet you to. Know that somebody loves you & Enjoy your weekend!